Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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