how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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