It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
