my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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