considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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