I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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