You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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