I hate your face
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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