Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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