I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
