Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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