hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I touched a dick in church today
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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