I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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