mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
