You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I need to calm my uterus...
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
