turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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