Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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