I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
