Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
