M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
