He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
we made out on top of his cat.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I want her autograph on my taint
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
