If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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