i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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