smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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