I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
