I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
