I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
