You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
