That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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