Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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