You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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