Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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