His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
