you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
