Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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