If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i think my mom watched the whole time
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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