I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
