I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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