The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
