Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Randomize
