I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
