You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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