We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
