i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
