He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
