evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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