FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
