So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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