Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
