so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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