Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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