Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
