My Higher Power is John Stamos
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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