i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
