Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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