Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
