Moan for me like Helen Keller
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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