you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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