I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
