Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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