Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
