Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
