Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
